Living over here so far away from family and friends has
forced me to rely on myself a lot more than I thought I’d be capable of. Now,
I’m fine with that change and for the opportunity to grow. But. When I get to a
handwritten letter or am able to chat with a family member or friend for even just
a few minutes on facebook or G-chat, I realize how much I really do need their
active support and encouragement. It’s not that I need a cheering section
complete with uniforms and pom-poms; I simply crave the old and familiar
connections of home. That’s what gives me refuge in my hardest times here,
that’s what gives me comfort when I’m sick. I realize I also need to remember
why I came over here…
I’ll be honest . . . lately, times have been a bit tough. It
may be the scary and ever so dreaded one-year mark us PCVs hear about, or it
could be a lack of work in my village. It seems no matter how much work I put
into a project or thought; something happens that prevents it from coming to
completion. For example, my World AIDS Day event (a village wide testing day)
has been postponed, maybe canceled due to a shortage of tests at the District
level. How are we supposed to support the testing for HIV when we can’t even
get tests? Another example, the one project I’ve been excited for at my Health
Dispensary may not happen either. They desperately need a new and safer
delivery bed, but the people who need to be involved and invested may not make
the time or effort; therefore it can and should not happen. I cannot write a
grant myself. I cannot ‘give’ them what they want, for it will ultimately be
unsustainable. And this is what they will expect from all ‘wazungu’. I cannot
push and push them to do the work either, for that is not going to make them
want to help any more than if I were to care less about the project. However,
there are a few accomplishments and successes that have been tangible here and
those are the ones I need to dwell on. Those are the ones I need to contract my
encouragement from.
So, when I feel utterly useless here, I realize I need to
remember why I’ve thought about Peace Corps since I was a freshman in college.
Since stepping off the plane from Ghana. Why I wanted to come live here for so many years. I’m afraid
the cliché answer is also my answer. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to
get a life experience only a handful of people would understand. I wanted to
challenge myself in ways I never thought possible. I wanted to walk down a path
in my village no one else will walk down. I wanted difficulty. So, that’s what
I got. This is the challenging part; this is when I need to re-read my
aspiration statement. To remember why I decided leaving my life in America to
learn a new culture, language, and way of life in Tanzania would be a good
idea.
It’s a good idea, because I’m learning more about myself than
most people will probably ever know about themselves. I know that I can do
this. Now, while that knowledge may get clouded and misplaced sometimes, it’s
always there. And, that while life may not always be easy, I know I can ultimately
persevere and succeed.
